My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
