well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
