i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
