So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
