i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
