You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
