You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize