Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
