One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
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