I didn't shave. On purpose
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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