This dress was meant to end up on your floor
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize