Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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