I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
