Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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