I'm so fucking centered right now
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
