Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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