I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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