White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
