I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i came on her dog
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
