your parents love me but you hate me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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