if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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