I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
