Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
