my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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