there was a trapeze. enough said
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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