Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
