I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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