Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
