Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
