If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want to have your abortion
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
