i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
