i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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