You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
