life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
