So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
