May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
