In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
