I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
