I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
