I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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