it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
