what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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