i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
