The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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