why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
