Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
