I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
