I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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