if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize