Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
