you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
