Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
