I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
