I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
