It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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