and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
