Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
