That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
