Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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