No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
