I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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