I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
