eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
