I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i drank out of a bidet.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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