when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
