I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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