This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
