i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
