life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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