I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
